Black Heart

3.50am and I’m awake.

I don’t suffer from insomnia. Ne-ver. Just say the word “pillow” and I feel drowsy already!

5.50am and I am still awake. Two long hours in the middle of the night makes for a lot of thinking, some praying too. Friends, just know that you were prayed for. 

It’s also a long time to reflect about what has been on my mind lately. Wrestling with deep personal struggles, questions, disappointments and realisations – about myself.

A black heart.

Face to face with the voice of the Lord. Convicted to not fret, to not seek the world’s recognition, to face my sin, my weakness, my frailty, my own helplessness. As dark as the night, I see my black heart.

And yet, in the midst of seeing the mistakes I’ve made and the wrong thinking I’ve become entangled in, in the midst of looking at my black heart, I feel the absolute Grace of the Lord. He reminds me that He chooses to use whom He chooses to use. Even me, with my I-cant-do-it approach. Even at the point of feeling like giving up (exaggerat-ingly speaking), not feeling worthy to even pray to Him, let alone living for Him, there, at that point, He reminds me that He has work for me, people to encourage, guide and love,  witness to and love some more.

With thankfulness, I keep my eyes on His grace, for His Grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness.

Tags: black heart, christianity, grace

On Fréjus, St-Raphaël, Ste-Maxime, St-Tropez…

 

Look at this map. Do you see St-Raphaël? Do you see Fréjus?

It’s not just a map with names. It might mean nothing to you, but to me, it’s my entire childhood, right into adulthood!! This is where we are going in exactly 9 days!!!!

**happy face**

 

And then zoom out…. and you get this:

In the foreground, the harbour, in the background the cathedral and all the intricate pedestrian streets where I have so many fond memories!

Now I thought I was excited at the idea of going!  But what I see in my children’s eyes when we start talking about the imminence of our trip is the delight of their own memories and what France means to them: the walks to the beach, Marineland, Luna Park, Mamie’s apartment and the big garden downstairs, the ice-creams, the evening outings, the plane trip (!!)…

And I’m excited at the idea of building more memories this year, with new places to enjoy. This time we’re even going to camp…

And I look at the countdown roster that they each made,

…and I know that we are ALL ready to go. Countdown 9. 8. 7. 6….

Tags: childhood memories, countdown, France, Holidays

Attachment Parenting

How do you feel when you look at this picture? If you are like me, this is your reaction:

***shocked, slightly disgusted face ***.

If your child can stand on a stool and breastfeed, haven’t you crossed the line!?!

The reason why I react in this way is because this parenting style, called the attachment parenting method, is not in my western christian culture – although at times, it certainly felt like it was going towards it.

Flash back 8 years ago when I had my first child.

Although becoming a mother brought me immense joy, I vividly remember all the dos and donts that I struggled with. In christian circles, we sometimes make the mistake of taking a widely accepted principle in our culture, reacting against it, opposing it and making it a godliness issue, not truly reflecting on what the Bible says about it. I wrestled with breastfeeding, routine, spanking, staying-at-home, homeschooling… you name it! I was told that breastfeeding is godly, that a lack of routine will lead to ungodliness, that no spanking is disobeying God’s word,  that working (instead of being a stay-at-home mum) might show that I do not love my children the way I should and that homeschooling is the only christian way to educate my offsprings…

As I read about attachment parenting, I realised that my reaction towards it is no different that the people saying that homeschooling is a mark of better parenting – read godly. I pass judgement on that parenting method simply because it is different from what I’m used to do in my christian culture. Some aspects of the attachment parenting make me feel uncomfortable but are they are ungodly? I cringe in my chair at the sight of a 6 year old feeding from his mom’s breast as much as my own family cringes at me homeschooling my children (They’re getting used to the idea slowly). As long as those practicing attachment parenting do not imply that their way is the only way to raise psychologically healthy children, I say breast-feed-away!

As a christian though, I would want to be careful that my children do not become the ‘be all and end all’ of my life but the Bible has never blamed any parenting methods for turning our children into idols (Rats!!! It would have made parenting so much easier!). If I adhered to that method of parenting, I would want to be careful not to alienate my fellow christian mothers who won’t or can’t do the same, by making them feel that their choice is only second best. I would want to absolutely be certain that, whatever I advise, (not the Lord), does not add any unnecessary burdens on other mums.

The driving principle of motherhood should be love: Love for God - Not love for what I feel comfortable with according to my culture. After reading and digesting this article, I was challenged on the view I hold of people that do things differently. I was reminded that in Christ we are free.

Inside the box that God has defined, I am free to make my own decisions, whether they go against the trend of the day and the culture of the time.

 

Tags: attachment parenting, breastfeeding, christianity, freedom in Christ, judging others, parenting style

Karate is contagious!

Our house has become very safe over the last month or so, thanks to these 3 karate kids! Léa and Matty follow in the steps of Killian. Matty with his I-don’t-really-mind attitude is decidedly the most chilled out karate person I know. Léa listens attentively and tried her hardest to look the part. Mmmh, she makes me think of the prayer mantis character in Kung-Fu Panda, with her long dangling body.

But they are all super motivated (Matty in his own way), they love it, they sweat at it (Matt comes at the end of each lesson and tells me “Look Mama, I’m nearly sweating!’). Léa is practicing practicing practicing. She is in the same class as Killian (white, yellow and orange belts are together) and wants to feel that she is good enough.

I love the structure of karate, the discipline it requires, the respect of others and the way the gradings are organized. If you work hard, whether you look good or not, you will move on to the next belt (well, in the early stages at least) which is great for young kids. It helps them to stay motivated and to know that they can do it. No doubt, Killian looks much better than Léa, but to a certain extent, it’s irrelevant.

Here they are, taking their role very seriously! Killian not flinching (apart from the oh-look!-a-butterfly moment), Léa trying to look fierce, and Matt and his cooler-than-cool attitude. Aren’t they cute!!!

The only downside is the washing. Lots of white, white and white!!

Tags: discipline, extra murals, karate, kung fu panda, sport

Letter from a mother…

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day.

Following my post on  (un)traditions, a friend of mine greeted me and jokingly asked if I was going to celebrate Mother’s Day in my untraditional way. Absolutely, I winked. The way we celebrate Mother’s Day is exactly the same way that we celebrate Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day. No plans, outing, gifts or gathering.

And yet, I confess that  I have the desire to feel special on that day. If  my children do not tell me how much they love me and how grateful they are that I am their mum, I feel cheated. I do. I shamefully admit that I once again feel the pressure to conform - burdening  my husband to make sure the kids have done their picture in love.

Looking at the history of where Mother’s Day come from (ahem… its main influence comes from America – Queen of traditions) and particularly how it developed in France, good old Wiki writes that while it started in the early 1900s as a national celebration honoring the mothers of large families (at the time France was alarmed by the low birthrate), in the 50s “the celebration lost all its patriotic and natalist ideologies, and became heavily commercialized”. How sad…

I absolutely resent the fact that my family is compelled to demonstrate their affection for me on the third Sunday of May – worse, that I get caught in it, as if it mattered in any way.

Bring the christian element in the celebration and it becomes catastrophic. The usher at church who wishes a Happy Mother’s day to the shocked 16 year old girl or my childless friend who wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day leaving me to blabber some incomprehensible response…

I’m linking a post that I read from a different blog. Simply, humbly and beautifully written (thank you, Amy Young).

How do we honor mothers without hurting the women who can not fit?

Maybe privately…

 

Tags: Christian Life, community, mother's day, motherhood

Un-traditional

I read that family traditions instill into your children your family values, strengthen family identity, connect generations, build great memories and make us stop in the bustle of the busy day to remember the important things in life.

We are not a family with traditions.

If someone asks me what our traditional “insert celebration here” looks like, I would be at a loss for words. Of course we celebrate the christian festivals for their christian meaning, and like typical kids growing up in a christian family, our children know the meaning of Christmas and Easter, details and all. But mention the word ‘tradition’ and my hair stands up in this fashion:

The reason I look like  a cat being electrocuted when I think of christian family traditions is probably because, while we do not have them, I have felt the peer pressure of having a craft ready for every occasion and an appropriate way to display it (the possibilities are endless). I have felt the fear that my kids are missing out, the fear that their creativity is not explored, their knowledge not expanded, their spiritual horizons narrowed. I panicked, I accused, I banned, ridiculed and begged (#how christians react to their insecurities)

I go through such a range of emotions because I allowed other mums (through their window shopping display) to dictate the standard of what my family should look like. The danger in comparing yourself to others is that there will always be someone ‘being more’ or ‘being less’. The comparison trap either leads to pride or despair. Personally, if I’m going to compare our “christianness” according to the activities other families do (be it crafts, songs, meals, dances or treasure hunts), then I can not measure up. Not only do I not have the creative energy for it, but I also lack the inclination for it - I couldn’t be bothered to be bothered.

So why do I have sweaty palms just thinking about December and April? The truth is that, if I’m being led by my emotions (and particularly fear), then my motives are wrong. I do not want to do anything out of fear, but rather out of conviction. If I am convicted that my kids are going to be worse off without the baking of the resurrection cookies, then I must do it. If I am convicted that receiving gifts for Christmas will take them further away from knowing Jesus, I must take the presents away.

So I calmed down.

Under the regular and rightful reminder of my husband that we resist peer pressure and submit to God’s Word only, and with the reassurance from older friends with godly grown up kids, I slowly realize that we are the family that we are, not carefully planning out the craft for Christmas, but being intentional in loving the Lord just as faithfully. Isn’t that enough?

We don’t do crafts together for Easter and we don’t bake together for Christmas. But together, among other things and in different ways, we love Jesus, we serve Him, we talk to Him and about Him. Together we fail Him and apologize to Him. And if these are the only precious memories that my kids will treasure one day, I will consider it a priceless blessing.

We are un-traditional and I make peace with it.

Tags: celebrations, comparison, family traditions, untraditional

The power of introverts

I listened to an interesting talk about the power of introverts by Susan Cain. Being a semi-introvert myself, I immediately felt attracted to the title, ah!

The speaker pointed out that there are as many introverts as there are extraverts (in fact it seems to be 75% extraverts for 25% introverts) but that our modern world is geared towards extraverts. Extraverts are more likely to be seen, heard, noticed and affirmed. Our workplaces and our schools are now designed to fit the extravert person: Open plan workplace, desks set up in group, and team work are imposed on both the extraverts and the introverts. While it suits the extravert’s personality and way of thinking, it is a disadvantage for the introvert. The speaker makes the point that introverts work best in their moments of solitude when they can quietly reflect and think through what they need to. I can certainly relate to that.

I found her talk quite interesting for several reasons.

While I never felt that there was something wrong in me for being an introvert, reading up on that topic showed me than some people really struggle with some of their personality traits related to introversion. I’m not saying that I love everything about my personality (my husband can testify otherwise with his many many many ‘pick-me up talks when he find his wife in her very sorry-to-be-me state) but I never thought that being an introvert was some kind of disorder!

I like that she explained that an introvert is not necessarily a shy or reserved person but rather a person who works best on his own, doing most of his thinking process in his own head, rather than in a group context. I personally don’t enjoy doing team work for the simple reason that it is usually the loud and quick one in the group that ends up throwing all his ideas first. It is not a true reflection of everyone’s input and thought process.

I like that, without discarding the qualities of the extravert, she shows the different strengths of the introvert. Even though nowadays the world seeks, values and praises the one that is out there, the go getter,  such as the flashy and loud leader, the speaker also unpacks the value of the strong quiet(er) leader. Maybe a leader that is better able to listen to other people’s ideas.

Finally I like that she gives me an insight on people like me – and by “people like me”, I mean “me”. In some strange way, it helps me find contentment in the gifts that God has given me. It is about the lifelong struggle of not wanting to be different, wishing to be more like this or less like that (and I’m not talking about body fat or hair texture!). Using the qualities that have been given to me in a way that brings glory to God without grumbling about the qualities that I wish I had.

Here are some of the things that I appreciate in being an introvert: I usually don’t speak impulsively and it saves me from uttering total rubbish and feeling like a blushing shrimp. I can stay long hours in the only company of a book and I’m happy to have a hand full of close meaningful friends.

Some of the thing that I would change, if I could, would include the boldness to speak up in a group without feeling that the whole world is looking at me, the know-how of showing my emotions more clearly (it helps people to know whether you’re shy, grumpy, asocial or just tired) and the ability to stop thinking things over and over and over and over.

So how do you feel being an introvert?

Tags: contentment, extraverts, Introverts

The day she cut it…

After months of threatening, bargaining, crying and begging, we both agreed that it was time. Time to let go of the long mass of hair that crowned her beautiful head. Yes. Léa had her hair cut.
Here is the before during and after.

Tags: before/after, Hair cut

Speaking japanese

Killian still sometimes gets confused between 8 and 9 in English, but ask him what a chokuzuki or gyakuzuki are, and he’ll show you. Karate found Killian, and he likes it!! I like it! He gets rid of his abounding energy and natural aggression, both at great speed!

A few weeks ago, he took part in his first competition, a kata competition. A kata is a form of choreography, made up of karate moves. The setting was quite intimidating, with lots of black belts instructors, many judges and lots of ‘kiai’ (shouts). Killian went into his hyper focus, anxious and very serious mode. He didn’t crack a smile from beginning to end – not even when he heard that he had won the gold medal (very exciting moment!!!).

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Now we – and by ‘we’, I mean ‘I’ – are hoping that the discipline and the self control that are taught at karate will have a direct impact on his life-outside-of-karate!

Tags: competition, Japan, karate, kata

What? No school this year?

Nope. This year we decided to homeschool. 

When we finally took the decision in the middle of last year, I yielded my husband’s good advice and did not advertise it. My heart wanted to share it with everyone I bumped into, but my head told me not to. I am aware that it can be a divisive topic and I certainly did not want to be that. So hush hush I kept it, until it was time to reveal our intentions. First to my mum (what do you mean ‘school at home??’ ), then to my husband’s mum (‘Homeschooling? I’m not so sure…’ ), then to my close friends (yes, they are still close friends) and lastly to strangers who asked (‘All THREE of your children?’).

Nonetheless, half a year after taking that decision and almost a term into the reality of it, I think it’s appropriate that it becomes official, i.e. Facebook status and blog!! One day, when I’m old and senile and my children want to know when and why and how and who and any other ‘wh’ questions regarding their homeschooling time, I will be able to say ‘Well my poppet, I … I… can’t remember. Just read our blog…’

So when? … It started when she was in Grade 3, he was in Grade 2 and he was in grade R. It’s easy enough because they are still so little that I don’t lose my sleep over their next maths lesson. And ‘when’, just to reassure my mum who might be freaking out, it’s e-ve-ry-day mum!! Counting, writing, reading, spelling, grammaring…Except some fridays but with good excuses to learn about something wider that the walls of our house, some Mondays because Killian goes to a technology club. Every now and then on a Tuesday because we run errands; and occasionally we skip Thursday because we don’t feel like working. Otherwise, EVERY other day!! (Just kidding mamaaaaannn!!!)

Why? … Because I had enough of saying ‘quickly’ and ‘vite vite’ to them, morning to evening, monday to friday. I wanted to switch to ‘just relax’ (of course it’s not all of the ‘whys’ but it certainly was a part weighing on my heart).

Who?… Of course my 3 children. Someone asked me if I had other kids as well, so I said ‘No, I didn’t start a school, I started homeschool’. That aside, the ‘who’ includes much more than me and my kids. I love outsourcing help, they make their life richer and mine easier, starting with art, music, wood work…

How?… With a complete curriculum that does all the work for me so that during the day I teach my kids, and in the evening, I can spend time with my husband ( and our housemate at the moment, wink wink…)

And voila! This is the summarized neat version of what is happening inside our walls this year. Emphasize on “neat” of course because the reality is always so much more murky Sometimes the ‘when’ is far too often, I wonder ‘why’, I can’t stand the ‘who’ and I’ve forgotten “how’.

But to finish on a positive note, I really enjoy homeschooling my kids and they seem to enjoy it too. And if only for these reasons, I am glad.

Tags: back to school, community, homeschool, Life, troubled emotions