Black Heart

28 May

3.50am and I’m awake.

I don’t suffer from insomnia. Ne-ver. Just say the word “pillow” and I feel drowsy already!

5.50am and I am still awake. Two long hours in the middle of the night makes for a lot of thinking, some praying too. Friends, just know that you were prayed for. 

It’s also a long time to reflect about what has been on my mind lately. Wrestling with deep personal struggles, questions, disappointments and realisations – about myself.

A black heart.

Face to face with the voice of the Lord. Convicted to not fret, to not seek the world’s recognition, to face my sin, my weakness, my frailty, my own helplessness. As dark as the night, I see my black heart.

And yet, in the midst of seeing the mistakes I’ve made and the wrong thinking I’ve become entangled in, in the midst of looking at my black heart, I feel the absolute Grace of the Lord. He reminds me that He chooses to use whom He chooses to use. Even me, with my I-cant-do-it approach. Even at the point of feeling like giving up (exaggerat-ingly speaking), not feeling worthy to even pray to Him, let alone living for Him, there, at that point, He reminds me that He has work for me, people to encourage, guide and love,  witness to and love some more.

With thankfulness, I keep my eyes on His grace, for His Grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness.

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2 Responses to “Black Heart”

  1. Caren June 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    I love this post Ingrid. Very real and honest. Thank you!!

  2. themastersbard May 28, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    only God sees right into the depths of the heart and shapes us – eina! – into jewelled vessels worthy to adorn the Holy of Holies

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