How to lose weight. Fast.

17 Jan
Losing weight is not an easy affaire for men or women.  I stopped dieting many years ago. I guess at some point one has to make peace with their own morphology –  those thighs are here to stay, I’m afraid! Alternatively, you can try some less conventional ways of losing weight. I thought of some controversial ones.

You can thank me later.
#1. Try and swallow a tapeworm.
That's if you don't want to play naked in the sandpit.

That’s if you don’t want to play naked in the sandpit.

You know, the kind that feasts on your food in your intestines while you go crazy on the dessert buffet? I came across this unconventional way when I was young and with my BFF, we dreamt often about where to find such worms. You’re likely to find them in raw meat or if you play naked in the sand (like one does…) But if you’re a vegetarian, if you don’t live near a naturist beach or if you’re not a kid (kids always have to be dewormed, they’re so lucky!), then skip to unconventional method #2.

 

#2. Up until now, you might have been a reasonably normal person but turning into an OCD person will help.
...and writing down my food intake.

…and writing down my food intake.

Take my husband for example. He dresses up as a normal person, but really deep deep down, he’s not. He lost some weight a few years back AND managed to keep it down (Or up, depending on how you read my sentence really). His way? Simple. Write down EVERYTHING you eat on a calorie diary. Every single bite you have, every sip you take, (Sting will be watching you?), record it down as you eat. It’s not anti-social and it doesn’t freak anyone out. It’s a great conversation starter too: Hi! It’s so nice to finally have you in our home…So, can I tell you how many calories I’ve had today, huh?… It’s perfect.
WARNING: if you’re married and have a family, it MIGHT put strain on your relationship. I have been known to fall asleep in the middle of my husband keeping me up to date about his weight/calorie diary for the day.

 

#3. Someone on the world wide web advised to gain perspective by understanding the fractions.
I know. You’re also thinking **insert snoring sound**?? This is what they say:

Your diet is an incredibly small fraction of your life. If you live for 80 years, and dieted for four months, that would only be .42% of your life. That’s right, if you diet for four months, it will be less than one half of one percent of your life. On the other hand think of the major benefits you can get from .42% of your life. It helps you stay motivated.

 

If you’re like me, reading about fractions makes you lose your will to live – let alone eat. Great way to pass on the cheese cake!

 

#4. The ‘guaranteed or your money back’ method.
If you’re a desperate teenager, or an adult with an IQ lower than 30, this method works.

Oh Darn! We didn't get the soap. We got the pills.

Oh Darn! We didn’t get the soap. We got the pills.

Again when I was young with my BFF, when we finally gave up on the idea of the tape worm (We were not so keen on the op to remove the parasite after we reached our goal weight), we found one of those definitely legit ads in a magazine. You know, those that absolutely and entirely promise you that you would lose 30 kilos in 1 month – guaranteed or your money back!!! We ordered those pretty pink-looking pills that will make us look like… well, 2 idiot teenagers for sure! We sent our money and…nothing. Nothing in the mailbox for, like, 6 months! Then miraculously, the pills arrived and we started our intense diet of eating sweet tasting bonbons 3X a day. Hardcore!


#5. Alternatively, if method #4 makes you feel foolish, try this method. This one is real.
It shows on my Facebook page everyday. It is as reliable as the You magazine.
One **surprising** tip for a flat bellyIt must be similar to the Hollywood diet (which I think they stole from the Ethiopians). In the words of Billy Crystal from When Harry met Sally:
We're sitting and talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she 
wanted to go to. 
And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didnt know
that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. 
I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."

 

If you can’t maintain this for the rest of your life, you might have to rethink.

Hope this helps. If you have any more grotesque tips, please do share 🙂

Advertisements

8 Responses to “How to lose weight. Fast.”

  1. Jordan Pickering February 2, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    Amputation is the quickest.

    Also, two of your commenters — Roseanne and ‘How to lose thigh fat fast’ — are robots.

    • Ingrid February 2, 2013 at 8:23 am #

      Do you know how many robots commented on this post!!! Never again will I put ‘lose’ and ‘weight’ in a title!
      I didn’t want to add the amputation method. I thought it’s too irreversible 😉

  2. Ingrid January 21, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Thanks Luciani (Hoping it’s your name!) for stopping by. I’m glad I could be of service 😉

  3. Roseanne January 18, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    Howdy very nice website!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Amazing ..
    I’ll bookmark your web site and take the feeds additionally? I am satisfied to search out so many useful information right here within the put up, we’d
    like develop extra techniques in this regard, thank you for
    sharing. . . . . .

    • Ingrid January 21, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by Bodyweightburn!! 😉

  4. Lizanne January 18, 2013 at 6:47 am #

    Love this! Haha! But they do say French women don’t get fat 😉

    • Ingrid January 18, 2013 at 8:22 am #

      What a bunch of lies…. I feel the need to write a post about fads about french…. Thanks Lizanne 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Life. Hermione’s style. « Excuse my French… - January 22, 2013

    […] you had read my post about losing weight, you’d remember that it ain’t easy. And if you haven’t read it, you are dead to […]

What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: