Tag Archives: health

How to lose weight. Fast.

17 Jan
Losing weight is not an easy affaire for men or women.  I stopped dieting many years ago. I guess at some point one has to make peace with their own morphology –  those thighs are here to stay, I’m afraid! Alternatively, you can try some less conventional ways of losing weight. I thought of some controversial ones.

You can thank me later.
#1. Try and swallow a tapeworm.
That's if you don't want to play naked in the sandpit.

That’s if you don’t want to play naked in the sandpit.

You know, the kind that feasts on your food in your intestines while you go crazy on the dessert buffet? I came across this unconventional way when I was young and with my BFF, we dreamt often about where to find such worms. You’re likely to find them in raw meat or if you play naked in the sand (like one does…) But if you’re a vegetarian, if you don’t live near a naturist beach or if you’re not a kid (kids always have to be dewormed, they’re so lucky!), then skip to unconventional method #2.

 

#2. Up until now, you might have been a reasonably normal person but turning into an OCD person will help.
...and writing down my food intake.

…and writing down my food intake.

Take my husband for example. He dresses up as a normal person, but really deep deep down, he’s not. He lost some weight a few years back AND managed to keep it down (Or up, depending on how you read my sentence really). His way? Simple. Write down EVERYTHING you eat on a calorie diary. Every single bite you have, every sip you take, (Sting will be watching you?), record it down as you eat. It’s not anti-social and it doesn’t freak anyone out. It’s a great conversation starter too: Hi! It’s so nice to finally have you in our home…So, can I tell you how many calories I’ve had today, huh?… It’s perfect.
WARNING: if you’re married and have a family, it MIGHT put strain on your relationship. I have been known to fall asleep in the middle of my husband keeping me up to date about his weight/calorie diary for the day.

 

#3. Someone on the world wide web advised to gain perspective by understanding the fractions.
I know. You’re also thinking **insert snoring sound**?? This is what they say:

Your diet is an incredibly small fraction of your life. If you live for 80 years, and dieted for four months, that would only be .42% of your life. That’s right, if you diet for four months, it will be less than one half of one percent of your life. On the other hand think of the major benefits you can get from .42% of your life. It helps you stay motivated.

 

If you’re like me, reading about fractions makes you lose your will to live – let alone eat. Great way to pass on the cheese cake!

 

#4. The ‘guaranteed or your money back’ method.
If you’re a desperate teenager, or an adult with an IQ lower than 30, this method works.

Oh Darn! We didn't get the soap. We got the pills.

Oh Darn! We didn’t get the soap. We got the pills.

Again when I was young with my BFF, when we finally gave up on the idea of the tape worm (We were not so keen on the op to remove the parasite after we reached our goal weight), we found one of those definitely legit ads in a magazine. You know, those that absolutely and entirely promise you that you would lose 30 kilos in 1 month – guaranteed or your money back!!! We ordered those pretty pink-looking pills that will make us look like… well, 2 idiot teenagers for sure! We sent our money and…nothing. Nothing in the mailbox for, like, 6 months! Then miraculously, the pills arrived and we started our intense diet of eating sweet tasting bonbons 3X a day. Hardcore!


#5. Alternatively, if method #4 makes you feel foolish, try this method. This one is real.
It shows on my Facebook page everyday. It is as reliable as the You magazine.
One **surprising** tip for a flat bellyIt must be similar to the Hollywood diet (which I think they stole from the Ethiopians). In the words of Billy Crystal from When Harry met Sally:
We're sitting and talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she 
wanted to go to. 
And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didnt know
that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. 
I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."

 

If you can’t maintain this for the rest of your life, you might have to rethink.

Hope this helps. If you have any more grotesque tips, please do share 🙂

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The story of the Tetanus, the Whooping Cough and the Ritalin

25 Oct

No, this is not a medical journal – at least not one that will be worth referring to – this is the story of our last 2 days. Yes,in our modern days, we had to brave 2 almost-believed-to-be extinct diseases, mixed with the very much alive sickness-of-the-day (yes, ADHD is real and no, it’s not just a tale-tell made up by the teachers).

One of my friends’ son has been battling with a horrible cough for the past few weeks and upon her visit to the doctor, he was diagnosed with whooping cough. Naively I thought I would check with my friend Wiki what “whooping cough” is in French. It’s whaaat? La coqueluche??? Isn’t it something that my grandmother told me about, a weird disease that killed hundreds in those times??

Given that our kids are all friends, they happily and unselfishly shared the bacteria (maybe all these parenting speeches on ‘sharing is caring’ finally paid off) and on Monday evening, Matty started to cough. My panic button was immediately pressed and, with a faster reaction time than ADT (No record breaking here, though), I made an appointment to my faithful doctor for the next day. I have a 100% trust in my doctor and even though I read up on whooping cough, I knew he would be of much help on how to deal with it.

Next day, prepped up to face the world, one deadly disease at a time (or so I thought), we rocked up at the Medicross. I’m taking all the kids with me, I thought. Killian has a thorn in his foot. My dear doctor will surely help me to remove it as it looked slightly deeper than a Hollywood celebrity’s personality.

Matty was quickly taken care of. Whooping cough is highly contagious and the cough can last for months, unless it is detected at the beginning and treated with antibiotics, in which case the contagion is limited to only a few days. Good news for us, only a few days of quarantine. Tap, tap on my shoulder: Killian reminded me of the thorn in his foot. Ah yes, a simple formality. We need to go to the procedure room. Ah. He needs an injection to numb the area. Mmh. And he needs a booster for his tetanus vaccine. Oh boy. That’s way more that I bargained for.

I braced myself for what was to come. I lost some of my hearing on that injection. Some of my heart too. I truly wished I could switch places with him. It was painful. The doctor worked hard and long at removing the thorn that was 1 full centimetre deep. And every minute, Killian kept asking with tremor in his voice “Is he doing another injection?” No. “And now?” No. “And now?” No my love. Léa, crying next to me, sure did not wish to switch places with him but felt awfully sorry for her brother. Matty, on the other hand, said that he looked at everything the doctor did – unphased.

The tetanus shot was nothing compared to the first injection. By then, Killian was so hysterical that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway what kind of procedure they were doing on his arm, but I was amused by 2 reactions: the first was the nurse’s face when the doctor told him that the one brother had whooping cough and that the other one was at risk of getting tetanus with the infection in his foot and that he needed his booster shot. She might have thought we were some kind of amish or something…The second was Killian’s neurotic behaviour stopping in a split second when he realised that his second injection was already finished and exclaimed **bravely**, “Oh! That wasn’t even sore!”

Back home, things went back to normal. Until the next day. Wednesday. Killian had been on his absolute worst behaviour throughout the day. Starting from not wanting to sit for his reading, to lashing out at his brother, defiantly disobeying me, going from zero to 100 in a few minutes, speaking to me in a way that not even Jack Bauer would to his tortured enemies, ending up in clinging and begging me to forgive him.

I tried to understand what was the matter. Was it payback for allowing him to be hurt the day before? Had I not given him the right amount of Ritalin? (and believe me, I make sure of that!) I even considered an adverse reaction to his previous day vaccine – I could already see the headlines “Mother kills child after vaccine’s unfortunate side effects”. At 4 o’clock, I had the choice between death (I wasn’t sure whose yet) and a top-up of his medication to help the poor sod out of his misery (and mine). At the first signs of him becoming sane again, we talked. Somehow, in the morning, when given his pill, he hid it under his tongue and did not swallow it. Relief was my first reaction. Utter frustration was next. Frustration at Killian obviously. Mostly frustration at people thinking that Ritalin is unnecessary, that parents and teachers just need to try harder.

A few minutes into Ritalin, roller-costered-out and calmed down, looking at me with his big hazelnut eyes, he says “I feel better now”.

And here ends the story of the whooping cough, the tetanus and the ritalin. They had many children and lived happily ever after.

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